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Update of the past few days.

Man, I just read back and realized like all my entries as of the past two weeks have just been Midnyte posts. I was thinking, I really have not slept in the past two weeks or so since Mid had her first seizure. I just couldn't, every noise I heard I had to be up checking her and everything. It's sad now that she's gone I've actually been catching up on sleep I haven't had in those two weeks. This blows.

I guess I can start with Monday, you guys knew what happened that morning and once we got her to the vet, etc. Wes and I left and I cried the whole way home and could not stop. I didn't have class so that helped, I had to work at 1, so yeah. I got home and the other three were there licking and trying to make me feel better. I'm thankful for them because they have been the best therapy ever. So, I was downstairs just picking some of Mid's stuff up and what not, and I was just so effing sad.

I went to work, my boss knew what was going on, but then proceeded to yell at me like I was a peice of shit because I left like not even 15 minutes early on Friday. Some customer was suppose to show up with money and he hadn't all day, and it wasn't the first time where I stayed later and he never showed. So I just left. Brett said to me, "If you ever pull that shit again on me, you will NOT work here again. Take half-an-hour off your timecard." I was just like, what the fuck ever dude. I will have NO issues walking off from here and laugh when the place falls apart without me because he doesn't know jack shit about computers and everything else around here. I can't wait to move from this town.

Anyways, so when I got home Jimi said, "I don't have any good news to report, I'm sorry Steph." and I was like, "Well, what's up?" and he said, "She's only getting worse...if she doesn't get better, we have to put her down tomorrow morning." and then he just LOST it. And I went down next to him and we just held one another crying. Midnyte was our child...I've also never seen Jimi cry this much ever. Not even when Sabbath passed away. So after that, I ran upstairs to call my mum and I just sat on the phone crying to her. Then we told Wes and Lori together and they were just as heart broken too.

So it was later that night and we were waiting to hear back from the vet and Jimi had a call on his cell phone. I was laying on the couch with Wes, and he came in crying and said, "She passed away...she died, on her own." And Wes sat up and said, "WHAT?" And Jimi was like, "I'm not repeating it Westley!" and he went upstairs and I just started balling. Wes grabbed me and we cried together, and just kept saying, 'It's okay...breath, it's okay...I know." Everyone knows she's the light of my fucking life. She's EVERYTHING to me....I told Wes I wanted to go upstairs with Lori and Jimi and we all sat in this group hug type thing just crying for a good 10-15 minutes.

Jimi said she went peacefully, the vets had come back not even an hour after leaving here and she had gone on her own. And like I've said, we were so thankful she did it on her own... the vet took like an hour before they could even call us because they had loved her so much and I think they needed to get themselves together before she could tell us. They said she had been their "challenge dog" and after everything they did to save her the first time, I know they just wanted to do the same thing this time around too. They don't know what was wrong, and that fucking sucks because I want to know. They really think (and I said it before they did) that it had a lot to do with when she was sick as a puppy. The high fever she had (104-something) could have definitely messed with her brain then, and whatever he mother had given her when they were still in her, etc. There's so many things that we never knew what happened down there before they got them up here. Maybe it should of been a sign that four of her siblings (as far as we know) passed away too.

That or it could of been getting into the mushrooms and apples, we don't know. Apparently her eyes were doing this weird thing that the vet had never seen before. I don't know what that "weird thing" is, but whatever. I really think she had a stroke too, there's no doubt in my mind. She had some many seizures and we don't know what happened while we didn't have her from 4AM till about 8:30-ish. But I'm sure she had one.

I think what I hate is that they had her in a bag, because they didn't know what was wrong with her, they didn't want the dogs to actually be able to touch her just in case it could of been contagious, etc. But the bag was in the shape of her body...I just wish I had gotten to see her see her before we buried her. But she was laying that way she always did when sleeping...just spread out..and that made me happy...because when I saw her her body was so stiff and she couldn't spread out the way she always did. Like this:Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting That went with Sabbath too, because he couldn't really control how he would lay down when he was put to sleep he was laying the way he always had before then. I had this blanket from high school that had "Goshen" on it with the Gladiator head, etc. It was fleece and I let her sleep with it every night, and that's what I wanted her wrapped in, so she got that ontop of her, how it usually was on her every night. Jimi put her in the hole Lori, Wes, and I had dug and patted her on the side, like usual and I just said, "I love you, babygirl." Scott had brought Phantom over so he could smell and understand where she went and not be lost. Poor dog.

This was kind of funny and ironic when we were digging the hole before Jimi got home, we were putting her next to Sabbath. Wes was digging and he snapped the wire of the electric fence in half. And we started laughing, because Midnyte would ALWAYS run straight through the stupid thing, and this was kind of her last laugh to us saying, "Haha, even when I'm gone I can still get through the stupid thing" So we found that very symbolic and it gave us a laugh while we were digging her grave.

So, it's been really hard. Poor Phantom was waiting outside yesterday out of habit to let Mid out to play with him. He just looked at me through the window with this sad look on and he made me cry, haha. I feel so bad for him. :(

But we're remembering her at her best through pictures I've taken and it makes us smile, and I guess that's all we really can do. She's watching over me and she always will. And she had the biggest chunk of my heart out there and she always will.

Saturday I'm going to price out the tattoo idea and see how much it's going to cost.

Anyways, this is the week from hell and I'll explain that in another entry soon.

Thanks for everything guys...

Rest In Peace.

I'll make a bigger post later, but for now.

We just buried her.
And I miss her already.
But we were so blessed to have her for a year.
She's my heart and soul.
And she will never be forgotten.

I think I know what my first tattoo is going to be now.

I love you, baby girl.
Always.
Rest in Peace.

I love you, Midnyte.

Augest 2, 2005- September 25, 2006...
I just lost a HUGE part of heart.
But she's blessed me and everyone around her.
Even the ones who never met her personally.
I was blessed to have her in my life for a year.
She made me a different person.
And she will ALWAYS have a huge part in my heart.
And she will ALWAYS be with me.
I'm at peace now knowing she is too.
I love you baby girl....
See you at the gates when I get there.
Rest In Peace my beautiful girl.
Midnyte Katrina Perz....


Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Update.

Thank you Laura notapromqueen, for my little gift thingie.


Um....if she doesn't get better by the morning we have to put her down. At this point she isn't getting any better, it's only getting worse....

I have no words. I feel like my heart is dead.

Update.

I'm so sick of feeling like I'm about to be sick. I seriously can not put anything in my mouth without it tasting like crap.

So at the moment they have Midnyte doped up trying to make sure the seizures are under control. She's apparently still doing the chomping thing with her teeth, but she's not nearly as bad as she was this morning.

Apparently her blood tests compared from last week to this week have changed majorly which is scary. Jimi was going to go over there after he got out and ask to compare and be shown in person what they were saying.

They think it's from her getting into the apple tree in the yard or her eatting mushrooms or something. They said at the vet that the seizures don't appear to be epileptic. They're going to keep her over night and observe her and what not. They said she's still really out of it and not too responsive to certain things.

I've kept it together pretty well since this morning.

My boss was such an ass to me before he left. I left like 15 minutes early on Friday, this guy was suppose to come and drop off a check and I've waited around for this guy before and he never came. And it being so close to 5, I said, screw this. I just wanted to go home. The guy apparently came like RIGHT after I left. I told my boss flat out, "Yeah, I left a couple minutes early." Whatever. He came over to me after the man left and said if I were to ever pull that shit on him again then I wouldn't work there anymore. Guess what? This place would fall apart without me! He knows nothing about computers, I'm ALWAYS showing and doing and telling him how to do everything. I clean, I water his fucking plants, I stay here while he goes off on his boat or to a football game when there's nothing to do. He'd be lost without me, so whatever. I don't even care anymore.

Anyways, I'm glad I didn't have class this morning with everything that went down. I hope they keep her a few days truthfully. Get her better, make sure these seizures won't come back, or give us something to put her on, get her back to normal, make her feel better...I really hope her brain didn't get screwed up with all of this continuous seizing. *sighs*

All right, I'm going for now. I'll keep you posted.
Thanks everyone.

....Oh God.

Um...where can I even start? After Midnyte's seizure last night she slept with Jimi. He said she was very restless and around 4 AM he said she was chomping with her teeth with foam coming from her mouth, which was another seizure. He said he went to take her out and she just ran. And he was looking for her and couldn't find her. It was obvious that she had no clue what she was doing or something because they're so out of it after one.

We didn't find her till just about 1/2 hour ago. She was in the back yard of a neighbor seizuring. When I got to her Lori was next to her and she said she had no clue who she was or what was going on around her. I told her momma was here and it was going to be okay. Her body was so stiff though...I'm really afraid that she can't see/hear/ or move besides what the seizures are doing to her.

We rushed her over to Oakwood (the vet that took care of her while she was sick the first time) and Jimi met us there and they took her back and we explained what was happening and what not. They took her away and said they were going to work on her, run tests, and give her some Valium to try and stop the continuing seizures.

I'm scared, I'm really really fucking scared. I can't tell you how aweful it was to look in your puppy's eyes and realize they had no clue who the hell you are. I have no clue what the outcome of this will be, I'm scared to know what the outcome of this will be. And whether or not my puppy is going to come out of this okay like she did with her illness, or she will never be the same, or she won't pull through.

I'm trying to keep as positive as I can. Stay as strong as I can, and not think the worst. You guys know this dog is my life...I have no clue what the hell I will do without her....

I'm going to work regardless, even though I have no clue when I'm going in. I'll prolly just go in soon and that way both Jimi and I will be right down the road from where Mid is.

The other three are trying to be so comforting, it's so adorable....

I miss my Midnyte...the last I saw her, it wasn't her, even last night.

I know everything happens for a reason, and God does everything for a reason, but why? WHY?! She just turned a year old, a one year old baby should NOT have to go through this! No one should have to go through this!

I need to go get ready and try and not be a zombie today. I doubt anyone will get any food into me. I feel like I'm going to puke just thinking about eatting.

Random.

Why does everyone tell me I'm so strong? (this is from like years and years now, not just the present.) I realize when it comes to Midnyte and these seizures, I am SO fucking weak. I am NOT strong. At fucking all.

She relies on me being strong for her and helping her through these and I don't understand why. Lori, Jimi, and Westley can stay calm the WHOLE time and that helps her SO much, yet here I am, tring to remain as calm as possible, but inside I'm screaming...and it doesn't matter what I'm showing on the outside, she can still sense I'm scared.

I fucking feel like these are all MY fault because as hard as I try to keep it together and stay strong for her, she can still sense I'm scared as fucking hell.

This isn't a "omgz steph u iz soOoOoO strong dun say that!!111" entry. I don't need that. I'm strong when it comes to other people's issues and helping them out, and stuff envolving me and whatever I've been through, yeah, I'm strong.

But when it comes to being strong for the one being who NEEDS me to be for her, it seems like I fail HORRIBLY at that. And it's SO fucking important for me to be strong for her, and I just...I just don't know. I hate myself for trying so damn hard and feeling as though I've failed her. I seriously feel like I've failed being Midnyte's mom and being strong and being there for her throughout this whole thing.

*sighs*

So much for this emo post.
Be fucking strong Stephanie, she needs you.